A week before Christmas, I was lying on the floor in a pitch black room, sobbing. I’d texted the guy I liked (who seemed to like me back, although “seemed” is never, ever, ever enough for me).
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I believed, I had completely ruined everything. No matter how hard I tried to be positive, my built and soon I’d spiraled into a full blown none of my relationships have ever worked out so why should this one train wreck of thought. Eventually my mom had to come peel me off of the floor and dump me lovingly into bed.
Welcome to my life with (BPD). It’s not the first time I’ve “lost it” in a relationship. Let’s just say I’ve attempted the whole dating thing more than a few times, but my relationships all seem to end the same way (I’ll give you a hint, I’m still single). Here’s the pattern I’ve tracked, and you can let me know if yours is similar: Phase 1: It all starts with my idolizing the guy. I meet him, he shows a lot of interest.
Suddenly he’s perfect, we’re perfect for each other, everything’s so flipping perfect. I ride on the high of a new and dazzling possibility. Fliqlo for mac. This time I’ll be able to hold down a stable relationship, I tell myself.
This time for sure. This delusion lasts about a week, maybe two. Phase 2: He does something to rock my faith in the relationship. It’s usually something small — he doesn’t text me back as quickly, he doesn’t seem as excited to see me that day, he checks his watch during a date — and suddenly my whole world is falling apart.
I can’t sleep. I’m terrified that this person who I was so sure would fix the emptiness I live with every day is going to leave me and it will hurt. Phase 3: So, I start to push back, just a little — I don’t want to drive him off completely.
In my efforts to keep him, I resolve never to be the first one to text him, to invite him to do something, to talk to him at all. I test him, gage his behavior, wait for him to do or say something to convince me he still likes me (or the other way around).
Phase 4: But a couple weeks of this and it’s already too late. His cute little gestures produce only temporary bliss on my part. No matter what he does, I’m officially positive that he’s going to leave, and it feels unbearable. I keep it all inside when I’m with him. Mt4 for mac free download.